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diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real index a83726b2281f..f3274d7b6f4d 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real @@ -1,7 +1,218 @@ +%% $FreeBSD$ + My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] +Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers +Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars +Reds and peyote to work out your bugs +These are a few of my favorite drugs. + +Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout +Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out +Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs +These are a few of my favorite drugs. + +Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys +Users of heroin, often called junkies +Methadone helps then to stop being thugs +Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. + + On a bad trip + When the cops come + When I lose my head + I simply take more of my favorite drugs + And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! +% + NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: +"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a +short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her +promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of +our "Big John" doll.) +% + ... But among the children of the Great Society there were +those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, +and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat.... + Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and +they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my +people go to the front of the bus." + But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all +deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove +yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like +unto a snowball in Hell." + -- "The Begatting of a President" +% + And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" + They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the +ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our +very selfhood revealed." + And Jesus replied, "What?" +% + "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no +matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly +pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent +merriment. + "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone +agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and +lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, +though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along +innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they +were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." + -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" +% + In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was +without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So +they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, +and it stinks." + + And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, +"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, +the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a +container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide +before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto +the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer +and none may abide by its strength." + + And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the +Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and +it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto +the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the +growth of the Laboratories." + + And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that +it was Good! +% + Overheard in a bar: +Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" +Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." +% + The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't +just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these +primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, +and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal +saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think +you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same +time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of +Northern Mali that you may be interested in." + So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic +publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest +naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason +naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an +article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System +Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But +others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. +Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% + The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You +claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in +his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" + + "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but +not much good in a fight." +% + The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint + +My back aches, my pussy is sore; +I simply can't fuck any more; + I'm covered with sweat, + And you haven't come yet, +And my God, it's a quarter to four! +% + Them Toad Suckers + +How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? +Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! + +Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, +Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. + +Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? +Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! + +Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, +Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! + +How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, +Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! + -- Mason Williams +% + Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn +how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, +you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". + All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where +their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. + "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." +His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the +room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" + "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass +it ain't gonna be Cheerios." +% + "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you +didn't believe in God." + "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the +God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's +not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." + -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" +% + When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her +operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it +would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't +thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first +patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" +% + The Split-Atom Blues + +Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, + Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline.... +But if you split those atoms fine, + Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! + +Gimme zits, take my dough, + Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll.... +Call the devil and sell my soul, + But Mama keep dem atoms whole! + -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" +% +... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, +and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps.... +% +... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot +be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the +benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter +is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with +him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch +of knuckles. + -- Harlan Ellison +% 71: 69 with two fingers up your ass. -- George Carlin % +... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, +you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of +fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating +stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they +had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased +publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. +Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire +primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came +back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his +neck. + -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" +% +... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse +is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the +1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was +considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever +showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts +would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the +overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think +nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking +Through Swimsuits Issue. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% +... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil +out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. + -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 +% A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along @@ -39,7 +250,7 @@ A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight -Is his phone number -- give him a call.. +Is his phone number -- give him a call. % "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious @@ -110,8 +321,6 @@ Founds lots of red spots on his tool. "Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" % -A.I. hackers do it with robots. -% Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. % "Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western @@ -126,6 +335,8 @@ Achilles' Biological Findings: -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. % +A.I. hackers do it with robots. +% Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. @@ -162,7 +373,7 @@ Corinthian, ionic, and doric. % An Army travels on her stomach. % -An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets +An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only person who will sit on its face is its mother. % @@ -172,15 +383,6 @@ bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" % - And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" - They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the -ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our -very selfhood revealed." - And Jesus replied, "What?" -% -... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, -and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ... -% Anxiety, n.: The first time you can't do it a second time. @@ -198,6 +400,8 @@ released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources." -- Ronald Reagan % +As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit. +% Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from @@ -258,14 +462,6 @@ Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" % -... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot -be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the -benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter -is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with -him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch -of knuckles. - -- Harlan Ellison -% "California is proud to be the home of the freeway." -- Ronald Reagan % @@ -321,7 +517,7 @@ G's Third Law: is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. H's Dictum: - There is no magic ... + There is no magic.... % Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the @@ -394,7 +590,7 @@ Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? ... Seats 500. % -Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis" +Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? % Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? % @@ -513,18 +709,6 @@ $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." -- Mark Twain % - "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no -matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly -pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent -merriment. - "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone -agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and -lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, -though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along -innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they -were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." - -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" -% God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. % God is an atheist. @@ -547,7 +731,7 @@ I knew that Santa would never lie. % "God is big, so don't fuck with him." % -God isn't dead -- he's been busted +God isn't dead -- he's been busted. % God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. % @@ -566,7 +750,7 @@ still talking about it." % Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. % -Grain grows best in shit +Grain grows best in shit. -- Ursula K. LeGuin % Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. @@ -587,7 +771,7 @@ Haggis, n.: considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled -in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... +in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute.... % Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal @@ -625,18 +809,6 @@ damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. % -"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's -ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a -stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed -him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! -He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off -this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n -Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic -processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no -longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... - - THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! -% Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. -- Woody Allen @@ -670,6 +842,18 @@ King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina." -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" % +"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's +ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a +stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed +him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! +He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off +this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n +Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic +processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no +longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... + + THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!" +% History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e., none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long @@ -679,7 +863,7 @@ government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!" % -Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole +Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. -- John Valby % Hugh Hefner is a virgin. @@ -690,7 +874,7 @@ I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was ... an arctic wilderness -- Steve Martin % -I came; I saw; I fucked up +I came; I saw; I fucked up. % I have a funny daddy Who goes in and out with me @@ -710,7 +894,7 @@ In a long distance telephone booth. Of an ideal connection Even if somewhat uncouth. % -"I own my own body, but I share" +"I own my own body, but I share." % I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet @@ -760,18 +944,6 @@ scares the shit out of me. I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. % -I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say -"I've just had a good war." - -- Mae West -% -I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, -it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French -government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. - -- Groucho Marx -% -"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to -watch him have another." -% If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. % @@ -836,7 +1008,7 @@ of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. % -If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. +If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position. % "If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw." @@ -845,32 +1017,19 @@ buzz-saw." Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. -- Robert Burton % +I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say +"I've just had a good war." + -- Mae West +% +I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, +it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French +government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. + -- Groucho Marx +% "In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point." -- Friedrich Nietzsche % - In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was -without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So -they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, -and it stinks." - - And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, -"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, -the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a -container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide -before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto -the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer -and none may abide by its strength." - - And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the -Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and -it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto -the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the -growth of the Laboratories." - - And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that -it was Good! -% In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, @@ -881,7 +1040,7 @@ Incest, n.: Sibling revelry. % "Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time -someone writes `bible thumpers?' +someone writes `bible thumpers?'" -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu % It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be @@ -896,9 +1055,12 @@ Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies." -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" % +"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to +watch him have another." +% Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. % -"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!" +"Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!" -- Daniel Hinojosa % Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. @@ -925,22 +1087,10 @@ LET Jesus be YOUR anchor! So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! % -... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, -you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of -fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating -stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they -had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased -publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. -Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire -primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came -back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his -neck. - -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" -% Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked. % -Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... +Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it).... % Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. @@ -989,34 +1139,6 @@ My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off. -- Alexandre Dumas, pere % - My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] -Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers -Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars -Reds and peyote to work out your bugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout -Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out -Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys -Users of heroin, often called junkies -Methadone helps then to stop being thugs -Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. - - On a bad trip - When the cops come - When I lose my head - I simply take more of my favorite drugs - And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! -% - NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: -"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a -short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her -promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of -our "Big John" doll.) -% No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether she will or will not be a mother. -- Margaret H. Sanger @@ -1030,13 +1152,6 @@ Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. % Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus. % -O'Riordan's Theorem: - Brains x Beauty = Constant. - -Purmal's Corollary: - As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, -availability goes to zero. -% Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. % Occident, n.: @@ -1110,6 +1225,21 @@ Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. -- Hal Hickman % +O'Riordan's Theorem: + Brains x Beauty = Constant. + +Purmal's Corollary: + As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, +availability goes to zero. +% +"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in +a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave +national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to +gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the +exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem +never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." + -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 +% Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second @@ -1123,23 +1253,11 @@ probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there were men on base. -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" % -"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in -a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave -national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to -gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the -exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem -never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." - -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 -% - Overheard in a bar: -Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" -Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." -% People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. -- Norman Cousins % -Physicists do it with charm +Physicists do it with charm. % Politicians do it to everyone. % @@ -1158,9 +1276,9 @@ Q: How do you play religious roulette? A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first. % -Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your +Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your backyard? -A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... +A: If all your trashcan liners are missing.... % Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? @@ -1193,7 +1311,7 @@ Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! % Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? -A: A cheese grater +A: A cheese grater. % Q: What's Jewish foreplay? A: Two hours of begging. @@ -1222,7 +1340,7 @@ for farting at a friend. -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & Preposterous Words % -Reagan can't _a_c_t either +Reagan can't _a_c_t, either. % Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's @@ -1259,11 +1377,238 @@ any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. % Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo % +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(1) The greatest threat to the human spirit is liberalism. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(10) Liberalism poisons the soul. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(11) Neither the United States, nor anyone else, "imposes" freedom on + the people of other nations. Freedom is not an imposition. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(12) Freedom is God-given. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(13) To dictatorships, peace means the absence of opposition. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(14) To free people, peace means the absence of threat. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(15) The Peace Movement in the United States was, whether by accident or + design, pro-communist. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(16) The collective knowledge and wisdom of seasoned citizens is the + most valuable, yet untapped, resource our young people have. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(17) The greatest football team in the history of civilization was the + Pittsburgh Steelers of 1975 through 1980. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(18) There is no such thing as "war atrocities." War is an atrocity. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(19) Regardless of the pain in our memories, nostalgia only reminds us + of the good times in our past. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(2) The single greatest threat to the free people of the world is posed + by the heinous idea of centralized government control. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(20) There is a God. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(21) Abortion is wrong. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(22) Morality is not defined by individual choice. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(23) Evolution cannot explain creation. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(24) Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have + easier access to the mainstream of society. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(25) Love is the only human emotion which cannot be controlled. You + either do or you don't. You can't fake it. (Except women, and + thank God they can.) + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(26) The only difference between Mikhail Gorbachev and previous Soviet + leaders is that he is alive. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(27) Soviet leaders were actually left-wing dictators. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(28) Abraham Lincoln saved this nation. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(29) The Los Angeles Raiders will never be the team they were when they + called Oakland home. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(3) Peace does not mean the elimination of nuclear weapons. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(30) The United States will again go to war. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(31) To more and more American intellectuals, a victorious United States + is a sinful United States. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(32) The fact that American intellectuals rue a victorious United States + is frightening and ominous. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(33) There will always be poor people. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(34) The fact that there will always be poor people is not the fault of + the rich. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(35) Rather than feel guilty as some do, you should thank God for making + you an American. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(4) Peace does not mean the absence of war. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(5) War is not obsolete. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(6) Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(7) There is only one way to eliminate nuclear weapons. Use them. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(8) Peace cannot be achieved merely by developing an "understanding" + among peoples. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(9) Americans opposing America is not always sacred nor courageous ... + it is sometimes dangerous. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, "My favorite sport is coitus." But a fullback from State Made her period late, -And now she has athlete's fetus +And now she has athlete's fetus. % Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth, @@ -1279,7 +1624,7 @@ Let _P be a constant persuasion; "Let _V over _P be inverted With the square root of _M_u inserted - _N times into _V ... + _N times into _V.... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. % @@ -1303,17 +1648,6 @@ candidates for president. -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis % -... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse -is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the -1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was -considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever -showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts -would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the -overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think -nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking -Through Swimsuits Issue. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% Sooner or later, generals will own you. % Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. @@ -1343,49 +1677,12 @@ am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone." at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains." -- Dave Barry % - The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't -just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these -primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, -and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal -saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think -you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same -time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of -Northern Mali that you may be interested in." - So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic -publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest -naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason -naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an -article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System -Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But -others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. -Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. % - The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You -claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in -his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" - - "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but -not much good in a fight." -% The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. % -... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil -out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. - -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 -% - The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint - -My back aches, my pussy is sore; -I simply can't fuck any more; - I'm covered with sweat, - And you haven't come yet, -And my God, it's a quarter to four! -% The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes. % @@ -1420,7 +1717,7 @@ dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never -be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. +been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. % The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a chance to prove it. @@ -1446,19 +1743,6 @@ The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!" % - The Split-Atom Blues - -Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, - Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... -But if you split those atoms fine, - Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! - -Gimme zits, take my dough, - Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... -Call the devil and sell my soul, - But Mama keep dem atoms whole! - -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" -% "The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity." -- Ronald Reagan @@ -1466,12 +1750,12 @@ curiosity." The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to -ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that +ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. -- Henry Kissinger % -The United States Army; +The United States Army: 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. % @@ -1479,7 +1763,7 @@ The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. -- Jim Samuels % -"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." +"The voters have spoken, the bastards...." % "The whole world is about three drinks behind." -- Humphrey Bogart @@ -1491,24 +1775,6 @@ down in silly puns about "standing erect". % The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. % - Them Toad Suckers - -How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? -Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! - -Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, -Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. - -Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? -Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! - -Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, -Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! - -How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, -Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! - -- Mason Williams -% There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to bomb a virgin building is terrific. @@ -1522,9 +1788,16 @@ organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas % +There are three religious truths: +1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. +2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the + Christian faith. +3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or + the adult book store. +% There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. % -"There is a God, but He drinks" +"There is a God, but He drinks." -- Blore % There once was a couple named Kelley, @@ -1533,17 +1806,17 @@ Who lived their life belly to belly. They used Library Paste, Instead of Petroleum Jelly. % -There once was a fiesty young terrier +There once was a feisty young terrier Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. He'd yip and he'd yap, - Then leap up and snap; + Then leap up and snap, And the fairer the derriere the merrier. % There once was a freshman named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin, A virgin named Joan From a bible belt home, -Said "This won't be much of a sin." +Said, "This won't be much of a sin." % There once was a hacker named Ken Who inherited truckloads of Yen @@ -1631,7 +1904,7 @@ There was a young lad name of Durcan Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. His father said, "Durcan! Stop jerkin' your gherkin! -Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. +Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'." % There was a young lady from Maine Who claimed she had men on her brain. @@ -1660,13 +1933,13 @@ Who said she thought fucking a bliss, There was a young lady of Norway Who hung by her toes in a doorway. She said to her beau - "Just look at me Joe + "Just look at me, Joe; I think I've discovered one more way." % There was a young man from Bel-Aire Who was screwing his girl on the stair, - But the banister broke - So he doubled his stroke + But the banister broke, + So he doubled his stroke, And finished her off in mid-air. % There was a young man named Crockett @@ -1687,7 +1960,7 @@ Who wanted to bugger the swans. Said, "Pray take my daughter! Those birds are reserved for the dons." % -There was a young whore from kaloo +There was a young whore from Kaloo Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, @@ -1701,7 +1974,7 @@ Whose prick was remarkably short. % There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates. - He fell on his cutlass + He fell on his cutlass, Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. % @@ -1753,10 +2026,10 @@ This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. % This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management -personal to various situations. +personnel to various situations. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives -in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and +in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. @@ -1780,7 +2053,7 @@ Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. -"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through +"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through The looks that melt, the claws that and through catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, @@ -1791,22 +2064,11 @@ Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. And paused to smoke some pot. - 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod + 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod Did groove and trip out at the pad: All whimsy were the slamming chicks, And the Radcliffe undergrad. % - Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn -how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, -you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". - All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where -their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. - "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." -His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the -room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" - "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass -it ain't gonna be Cheerios." -% "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite." -- John Kenneth Galbraith @@ -1843,19 +2105,6 @@ walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas." -- Ronald Reagan % -WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really -[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- -reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the -Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George -Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this -unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as -though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes -President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so -they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to -George talk. - -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against - Political Fallout" -% Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! @@ -1879,6 +2128,19 @@ The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed." % +WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really +[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- +reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the +Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George +Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this +unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as +though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes +President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so +they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to +George talk. + -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against + Political Fallout" +% What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. % What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? @@ -1889,13 +2151,6 @@ Ford? Figuring out what to do with the other 3K. % - "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you -didn't believe in God." - "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the -God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's -not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." - -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" -% When God created man, She was only testing. % When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. @@ -1908,12 +2163,6 @@ can't happen." When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! % - When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her -operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it -would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't -thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first -patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" -% While I, with my usual enthusiasm, Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, She explained, "They are flat, @@ -1970,7 +2219,7 @@ no-no, you: (b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first. -(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, +(c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up, blow your nose on your sock. % You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose @@ -2016,14 +2265,3 @@ into your coffee. You: to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b % - ... But among the children of the Great Society there were -those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, -and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... - Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and -they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my -people go to the front of the bus." - But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all -deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove -yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like -unto a snowball in Hell." - -- "The Begatting of a President" |